Tis the season of gift giving. And frankly, the thought of fighting crowds in stores and malls just doesn’t appeal to me. And why should it? I can just as easily sit here, unwashed, and undressed, and do my shopping with a keyboard, while eating Cheetos. (Good luck getting that visual out of your heads.) In all honesty, I’ve done the bulk of my holiday shopping on-line for years now, but it seems like every year, there’s that one person, friend or relative, for whom I just can’t locate the perfect gift. But, this year, mainly due to a recent, tragic death, I’ve had an epiphany. “Huh?” you ask……..
Unless you live in a bubble, by now you’ve all heard and read about the car crash that tragically killed Paul Walker, the star of the Fast & Furious series. Recently, it’s come to light that an enterprising soul tried to auction off a charred piece of tree bark from the crash scene. I can lose many nights of sleep trying to figure out how they would ever show provenance, but suffice it to say, they tried to sell the bark. That is until the hate mail flowed in and the item was removed from auction.
That story got me thinking…..what other strange items can I find for sale, on-line, for that hard to please gift recipient? Well, a little research into that made me wish I had never had the thought. But, I’m going to share with you some of the things I found anyway. Because, why should I suffer alone?
In no particular order of weirdness, the following items can be found for sale on-line. Links are provided, along with some of my commentary and the occasional “seller” comment:
Traditional Jivaro Shrunken Head: $65.95 – as opposed to the “non-traditional shrunken head”?
Real Fruit Bat Taxidermy Specimen in Acrylic Lucite Display: $24.70 – It’s all about the acrylic.
Creepy Looking Doll: $50.00 – Yes, it’s very creepy.
Genuine Australian Kangaroo Scrotum Leather Pouch: $11.99 – Wait until the kangaroo hate mail starts.
Bacon Flavored Toothpaste & Floss Gift Set: $18.95 – I have no problem with this.
32″ Walking Stick from Thick Bull Penis with Steel Rod: $16.55 – Seller Comment- “Hurry, only 3 left”.
Double Preserved Slices of Equine Brain: $59.99 – Apparently being sold by a horse’s ass.
Camo Six Pack Beer Can Holster Belt: $9.79 – The South shall rise again.
Vintage Polio Leg Brace: $49.99 – Seller’s Comment- “Very nice”.
12 Pack of Realistic Rubber Cockroaches: $1.49 – Excuse me? They’re called Palmetto Bugs!
Bad Boyfriend Voodoo Doll: $10.00 – Mrs. Lawrence is currently offering $20.00 for the “Bad Husband” version.
Six Antique Human Prosthetic Glass Eyes: $259.00 – Six?
HogWild Self Twirling Spaghetti Fork: No price listed because they’re ALL SOLD OUT!
And for the technophobes out there….
Egg Minder Internet Connected Egg Tray: &89.98 – Uses a smartphone app to tell if eggs have gone bad. <smh>
Panties for iPhone: $4.19 – 2 Five Star customer reviews!
49 Port USB Hub: $1,149.00 – In case you have a lot of “stuff”.
I could go on forever here, but you get the point. If you can think of it, or in many cases if you can’t, you’ll find it for sale somewhere. However, my biggest issue here is this: When I go to the post office with anything other than an ordinary, first-class letter, I always have to answer the question “Anything liquid, perishable or potentially hazard?”. Just curious, but how does one ship equine brains, shrunken heads and/or a kangaroo scrotum?
Now, I’ll leave you with the favorite thing I found for sale on-line:
My Soul: $750.00 – Hurry, only 5 days left to bid!