Dear Microsoft……..

“I don’t regret loving you. I don’t regret trusting you. I do regret giving you the power to crush my faith in you”. – Anon

 

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Dear Tech Company Owner:

As you may have heard, we are developing an exciting, vibrant, new version of our Windows operating system, Windows 8!  We are looking for people, such as yourself, to assist with the development through beta testing.  Please complete the attached form and we’ll be in touch.

Sincerely,

The Microsoft Development Team

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Dear Microsoft Development Team:

Please accept my attached application for your Windows 8 beta testing project. I’m looking forward to giving it a test spin and providing my input.

Sincerely,

Jim Lawrence, Computer & Software Solutions

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Dear Potential Windows 8 Beta Tester:

We have received your information and will be reviewing your credentials.  We’ll be in touch.

Sincerely,

The Microsoft Development Beta Tester Review Team

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Dear Acceptable Candidate to Beta Test Windows 8:

Welcome aboard!  Please go to the attached link and download your version of Windows 8 Beta.

We look forward to your valuable input.

Sincerely,

The Microsoft Development Beta Tester Acceptance Team

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Dear Microsoft Development Beta Tester Acceptance Team::

I believe you sent the incorrect link. The operating system I installed looks like it belongs on a phone or tablet, but is not very intuitive on my desktop PC.  Will await the correct link/download.

Sincerely,

Jim Lawrence, Computer & Software Solutions

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Dear Microsoft Development Beta Tester Acceptance Team:

Seven weeks have passed since my last correspondence requesting a correct link for the Windows 8 beta version meant for desktop and/or laptop PCs.   During that time, I have done some research and now understand that the download I received was, in fact, your only version, and you mean to distribute this operating system to all users.

Surely you jest.

Sincerely,

Jim Lawrence, Computer & Software Solutions

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Dear Probationary Status Windows 8 Beta Tester:

Your attempt at sarcasm has caused us to alter your status and to place you on probation for a time consistent with the upcoming full release of our awesome new operating system, Windows 8!

We look forward to receiving some actual input from you in the interim.

Sincerely,

The Microsoft Development Team Board of Probation & Parole

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Dear Microsoft Development Team Board of Probation & Parole:

I fully accept my new “probationary status” and wanted to advise you that the US Postal Service has finally delivered your package.  UPS or FedEx next time maybe?

Just one quick question:  To which ankle should I affix the monitoring device?

Sincerely,

Jim Lawrence, Probationer, Computer & Software Solutions

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Dear Microsoft Beta Tester Review Team:

I have been using your fabulous and awesome new operating system, “Windows 8 !” for approximately 3 months now.

Here are my findings thus far:

  • I still firmly believe that your fabulous and awesome new operating system is better suited for tablets and phones.
  • I still find your fabulous and awesome new operating system to be counter-intuitive when used on a desktop or laptop PC.
  • I worry how my customers, a large percentage of whom are over the age of 60, will react and adapt to your fabulous and awesome new operating system.

Some concerns:

  • With all of your previous operating systems, we have always been able to use a “Safe Mode” start in order to troubleshoot a system that wouldn’t boot.  It would appear that your fabulous and awesome new operating system requires us to set the machine to boot, next time, into “safe mode”. If the machine won’t boot, and we need to do so in “safe mode” in order to troubleshoot, why would you fix it to require a normal boot to do so?
  • Your highly suggestive method of logging on to a Windows 8 machine, via a Microsoft Account is highly flawed and will rear its’ ugly head the first time a user can’t log in due to issues with their email account.
  • And I’ll ask the question that everyone of my customers will ultimately ask:  Where the %@#* is the “start button”?

Some suggestions:

  • Only one. Release your fabulous and awesome new operating system for tablets and phones only.  Windows 7 is fine. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Sincerely,

Jim Lawrence, Ankle Monitor Wearing Probationer, Computer & Software Solutions

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Dear Ex Windows 8 Beta Tester:

This is to inform you that your services are no longer needed or desired.  Our fabulous and awesome new operating system “Windows 8!” is officially leaving beta status and will be released within the next 48 hours.

You, and the other thousands of testers who have done nothing but disparage our fabulous and awesome new operating system, have all been reclassified as probable Apple fanboys obviously working as paid trolls.

Sincerely,

The Highly Successful Microsoft Development Team of our Fabulous and Awesome New Windows 8 Operating System

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PS:  Your ankle monitoring device will release upon receipt of this email. Kindly return it, via our like minded, rearward thinking, US Postal Service.

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Dear Highly Successful Microsoft Development Team of the Fabulous and Awesome New Windows 8 Operating System:

It’s been a while since your full release of your fabulous and awesome new operating system “Windows 8!”.  As predicted, my customers hate it and you’ve made troubleshooting, service and repair next to impossible.

But, I see you’re about to release Windows 8.1. Hopefully, the new release will address the issues raised by me and thousands of other beta testers.

Sincerely,

Jim Lawrence, Computer & Software Solutions

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Dear Microsoft Windows 8.1 Development & Release Team:

I’ve seen your Windows 8.1 release.

Are you @%&*#!% kidding me?

Sincerely,

Jim Lawrence, Computer & Software Solutions

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Dear Tech Company Owner:

As you may have heard, we are developing an exciting, vibrant, new version of our Windows operating system, Windows 9!, which we expect to release in April 2015!  We are looking for people, such as yourself, to assist with the development through beta testing.  Please complete the attached form and we’ll be in touch.

Sincerely,

The Microsoft Windows 9 Development Team

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Dear Microsoft Windows 9 Development Team:

 

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Sincerely,

Jim Lawrence

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