For Sale….Really (Vol. 2)

“I couldn’t wait for success so I went ahead without it”. – Anon.

Back in December, I wrote my first “For Sale…Really” post. Surprisingly, a lot of you (well, really just a couple of you) said that you enjoyed it, so I’ve decided to make it a semi-annual thing.  The original post dealt primarily with some of the bizarre things you can find for sale on Ebay, and even though I’ve never personally purchased anything from E-bay, the Vintage Polio Leg Brace did briefly pique my interest. (Hey, don’t judge. I thought it would make an excellent plant holder/conversation piece).                 Mrs. Lawrence however, is a frequent Ebay buyer and, based upon her many purchases, I can’t justify providing them with any additional free advertising.

But Amazon? Oh baby! My all time favorite on-line retailer will not take a back seat to anyone in the bizarro category. Forget about all the bad press they receive. The price fixing, poor business practices, crappy employee treatment, and their quest to turn deliveries into sci-fi-esque drone filled skies all pale in comparison to some of the crazy things offered up on their site. And since I know that many of you are the type who start their holiday shopping while the skies are blue, the leaves green and the humidity can be cut with a dull knife, here are some gift suggestions for your favorite in-laws:

Uranium Ore – $39.95 Product description states ” Useful for testing Geiger counters and performing nuclear experiments.”  (Delivered via NSA drone)

Heinz Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding, 9.4 oz cans (Pack of 6) – $27.78  (Some things just don’t translate well into American English)

Instant Clear Jel, 1lb – $9.97 (It’s instant, it’s clear, it’s “jel” and it comes from a farm in Ohio. ‘Nuff said)

UFO Detector, magnetometer interfaced with micro controller for detecting magnetic anomalies. – $48.54 (Fox Mulder Special Edition coming soon!)

Canned Unicorn Meat – $12.45 (Relax, you can’t eat this. It’s really a dismembered stuffed unicorn in a can, which makes it a perfect gift for an impressionable 6 year old.)

Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant with Pump 55 Gallon Drum – $1,590.27 (In case you’re into breeding pachyderms.)

Fun Runny Nose Shower Gel Dispenser – $15.99  (Because nothing screams “fun” like washing with pretend snot)

Gangsta Rap Coloring Book – $8.05(new) $4.04(used)  (Never mind the fact that it attempts to legitimize the “gangsta rap” culture. Who in hell buys a used coloring book??)

Five (5) $2.00 Bills – $12.00 (Teach your kids economics. Spend $12.00 for $10.00)

Squirrel Mask – $21.80 (Your horse head mask is so yesterday.)

Sterling Silver Automatic Weapon Charm – $23.00 (A little something special for that someone special. Because ‘Murica!)

Engagement Rings – $7,570.00 to $7,720.00 (Just in case you can’t find a Jareds)

1500 Live Lady Bugs – $9.10 (For that rare occasion when 1,499 live lady bugs just won’t cut it.)

Cold Steel Latin Machete – $93.98 (Not to be confused with the Germanic model,but still perfect for slitting your wrists after reading this blog post)

And finally….

Century 5-Gallon Portable Toilet – $77.51(used)  (A mere $10.00 cheaper than the “new” model. Make the right decision.)

Drone on kids.

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One thought on “For Sale….Really (Vol. 2)

  1. Ya’ know; I’m really going to have to insist that you place me on some kind of pre-view list for receiving these particular posts because I’m quite certain that thanks to your “alert,” everything’s already gone and there’s no use trying to bid. Hmph!

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