2015 Resolutions. No, Not Mine.

“Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.” – Anonymous

Many years ago I learned the pointlessness of setting New Years resolutions for myself.  Eat healthier, sleep better, be nicer to people, actually show up at that gym I joined…..yeah, not so much. Instead, in keeping with what Mrs. Lawrence refers to as my “acerbic attitude“, I now set New Years resolutions for others.

So, here are my hopes and dreams for 2015:

To Satya Nadella, CEO Microsoft: Did you notice that the sales of Chromebooks out performed Windows based PCs this holiday season? Please try to understand the the majority of PC users primarily surf the web, use email and may, occasionally bang out a document or spreadsheet. They want/need a simple user interface and rarely use many of the capabilities built into your operating system. They’re also sick of the vast vulnerabilities your OS and IE browser have been known to encounter. So, maybe, just maybe, you can begin to realize that they want/need their very own operating system. And maybe you can revert back to the practice of offering a cut down version of Word & Excel, free, much like Windows 7 offered. Also, please give up on the phones and tablets. Apple and Samsung have officially kicked your ass in those departments. Finally, here’s to hoping your upcoming release of Windows 10 (or whatever you decide to call it) is better than the last piece of crap you called Windows 8/8.1. Thanks.

P.S.  If you could stop crashing your own operating system with your own updates, that would be great.

To Tim Cook, CEO Apple: Thanks for the great products. Now get to work on improving the conditions in your Asian manufacturing facilities. They’re barbaric. Yours Truly, Fanboy.

To Marissa Mayer, CEO Yahoo: I use your site to play Fantasy Football. And that’s all I have nice to say about Yahoo. I would, however, like to thank you for the additional business that comes my way due to your crappy email client.

P.S. That whole Home Page “upgrade” didn’t go over very well, did it?

To Larry Page, CEO Google: Nice work on the Chromebook. Now please stop tracking my every move on-line. And hurry up with the driverless cars. I live in South Carolina and we’ve been given the designation of “worst drivers in the country”. (Tied with Montana, actually. But I think Montana really belongs to Canada, eh?)

To Tim Armstrong, CEO AOL: You’re still here? You’re still a “thing”? Your email client has been voted the worst for ads and no business professional, or anyone hoping to be given a modicum of respect, should still be using it.

To Mark Zuckenberg, CEO Facebook: Nice original concept, but I think it’s getting away from you. Younger people are flocking to other social media outlets and your use of tracking and algorithms are scaring people. Soon you’ll be left with the (my) older generation, many of whom only use your service to spread viral urban legends and send game requests.

P.S. Please provide a “thumbs down” feature and maybe an automatic zapper of some sort for those sending game requests.

To Dick Costolo, CEO Twitter: I have two Twitter accounts. One personal, and one for business. I don’t really use them because I can rarely parse my thoughts to 140 characters and can’t bring myself to say “I tweet”. Sorry.

To Kevin Systrom, CEO Instagram: I have no idea what Instagram is all about but Mrs. Lawrence spends a lot of time on your service. It must be mind numbing.

And finally, to my customers, past, current and future:  Thanks for an enjoyable, challenging and at times, frustrating year. Continue to forget those passwords, click on suspect links, fall for cold call scams, download tons of crapware, and chain smoke next to your PC. I need to buy a few more gadgets this year.

Happy New Year!


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