“Catfish are jumpin’, that paddle wheel thumpin’…” – Doobie Brothers (Black Water)

catfish (Urban Slang)
“A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they’re not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.”

I often (OK, daily) can’t believe my good fortune. My good fortune in meeting, and actually landing Mrs. Lawrence. Unfortunately, I’m a pessimist. Which means that I’m often (OK, multiple times daily) waiting for the hammer to fall and for her to come to her senses and realize that she has underachieved. Whether due to my surly, sarcastic demeanor, the fact that I hate everything from babies to rainbows, or because I frequently mention her in these blog rants. I just know that one day, I’ll come home to an empty house with a “Dear Jerk” letter pinned to a can of Chef Boyardee, and I’ll be destined to spend the rest of my life alone…with a cat because guaranteed she’s taking the dog with her. It would be devastating. And embarrassing. How would I ever be able to face my acquaintances and friend. <~~NOTE THE SINGULAR THERE.

With the aide of technology, that’s how. Because right now, you and I, if and when needed, can beta register for the hot new app service “Invisible Girlfriend“! (They also have an “Invisible Boyfriend” version but I’m relatively certain that I won’t be THAT devastated when Mrs. Lawrence flees.) But aren’t new apps a dime a dozen? Yep, but apparently this one is HOT!, HOT!, HOT!  It’s already been mentioned in Business Insider, Time, Wired, and BuzzFeed, but more importantly, right here. That’s right. If you have absolutely no other news sources at you’re disposal, you can say you heard it here first.
What does the app do? According to their site, the Invisible Girlfriend/Boyfriend apps will “give you real-world and social proof that you’re in a relationship – even if you’re not – so you can get back to living on your own terms” (I wonder if they realize that “my own terms” involve being homeless on a bike?) In any event, here’s how it works:
Sign up, create the girl/boy of your dreams. Chose from many available photos, and for $24.99/month, you’ll receive 100 text message, 10 voicemails, and one written note from your pretend, significant other. You also get to make up your own story about your fake relationship and how you met. (For the record, I haven’t received 100 texts since the advent of texting. And who the hell hand writes notes anymore?)
At least I can take comfort in knowing that Mrs. Lawrence couldn’t/wouldn’t take advantage of this service. She’d never spend that kind of money on texts and messages she’d never receive because HER PHONE IS NEVER WHERE SHE IS!
But for peeps like me? Nirvana in an app. Until, of course, you stop to think about who really is on the other end of those texts, pretending to be the love of your life.
“Well hello there. How YOU doin’?”

5 thoughts on “Catfishin’!

  1. Ah James, once again you have managed to be a curmudgeon packed with useful, dare I say vital information. Should my lovely, intelligent, saintly, wife ever come to her senses and realize that my demeanor, (similar to yours in almost every way) will not ever change and she runs in the opposite direction of where I am. It is nice to know that in the refrigerator packing box that I will call home, there will always be room for my invisible girlfriend AND my birch slap list !!!! Bless you.

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