The Enigma

“I married a big, strapping cop and now you’re Urkle.” – Mrs. Lawrence


noun, plural enigmas; Chiefly Archaic, enigmata


1. a puzzling or inexplicable occurrence or situation:

2. a person of puzzling or contradictory character:

I am an enigma. There, I said it. And I’m proud of it too. My life, thus far, is well defined above. “An inexplicable occurrence or situation” as lived out by “a person of puzzling or contradictory character”.
Throughout the years I went from being a homeless teen to graduation within the top 5 percentile of my high school class, transitioned from juvenile delinquency to a successful law enforcement career, (Thank you Judge Koch), coldly observed and investigated some of the most gruesome crime/crash scenes only to shed tears over a commercial for homeless/abused animals, moved from the far right to the distant left-of-center politically, and, after 26 years, abruptly walked away from a previous career and started a new life.
I say “enigma”, Mrs. Lawrence, at times, says “bipolar”. Whatever.
But here’s where Mrs. Lawrence’s theory, so eloquently displayed in the quote atop this page, goes awry. I’ve always had the Urkle in me and I truly believe that, during our courtship, I never tried to hide my inner geek, rather, the more likely scenario is that she was distracted by the shiny objects on my uniform and just wasn’t paying attention.
I submit the following proof:

1.  Pre-Mrs. Lawrence

  • In the early 1980’s, I was, quite possibly, the only young officer still carrying, and using, a slide rule for calculations.
  • In 1984, I purchased my first computer. A Commodore 64, with monochrome display and a cassette tape drive. I used it to teach myself Basic programming.
  • I owned a bag phone.
  • I knew about, and how to use *69 long before it was publicized.
  • I had a Blockbuster card and a Nintendo.
  • I paid the big bucks for “unlimited hours” on AOL, as opposed to the standard monthly hourly plans.

2.  The Early Mrs. Lawrence Days

  • My home toolbox consisted of a hammer, superglue and velcro. I had no manly-handyman skills and if it couldn’t be fixed with any of those three, I needed a new one of whatever it was that was broken.
  • Due to the big Millenium Scare, I was smack dab in the middle of a major project at work. In addition to my normal, big strapping cop duties, I was coding and developing an entirely new database for our police department. It was mind-numbing and she should have noticed!
  • I was the first person in our neighborhood to find out about internet phone service (Vonage), and install it at home.
  • I watched the movie Hackers (A young Angelina Jole) to the point of wearing out the VHS tape.
  • I stepped, neigh dove off the AOL bandwagon as soon as possible.

3.  The Not So Distant Past & Present

  • I walked away from my comfort zone and relocated from a cold/snowy place to paradise. (And to her credit, she came along, with minimal kicking and screaming)
  • I’ve taught myself a lot about technology and strive to stay current, regardless of whatever crap Microsoft throws my way.
  • I now have a fulfilling “second life” in technology, where apparently, I’ve always belonged.
  • I consider myself very lucky and happy. (Until the wind direction changes again.)

And so Mrs. Lawrence, to you I say:


Yes I did. And without you, it never would have happened.  So thanks for pretending not to notice.

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